A while ago I wrote a two part narration about two things we manifest in ourselves at a very young age: courage and fear. That got me thinking about what I am afraid of in life and what event it was that set me off.
My two biggest fears? Spiders and bees. I will not lie to you I will napalm my own house if I see a spider in it that I deem more formidable than what my shoe can handle (I wear a size 18 shoe so give that a thought) and on the other hand bees are the definition of a homing bullet. I don’t care what I am doing or where I am at in the summertime, if any bee spots me its only mission in life is to bring me pain. I hate them more than spiders.
So where did these two phobias of mine originate from? Well the bee one is simple. I was out playing in the yard and having just the best time ever. I was jumping around, bouncing up and down, tumbling as most children do.
Unfortunately when I tumbled my back went right onto a bee that was near a flower. Boom, right there I got a stinger in the back. I didn’t know what it was at the time and I wish my mother at the time would have made up some unknown entity that only existed in this world once every fifty years instead of telling me it was a bee.
A year or two later I was in a new home and the pizza man didn’t know to deliver to the back door. In my bounding glee I tore open the front door, which was never used, and a hornet’s nest that had been so lovingly crafted in the corner outside was jostled from my excitement and a nice blue hornet decided to share its gratitude with me by landing on my hand and burying that stinger deep a few times.
So yes I have a general fear/homicidal tendencies towards bees. Spiders, on the other hand, was a much more creepy introduction.
I knew what spiders were as a kid just as much as I knew what bees were. I just didn’t know bees could be manifestation of pain in flying form. Spiders were sneaky. Spiders would be seen and then when you look away they disappeared. Didn’t pay them no mind.
One night, as a child, I woke in the middle of the night to the sight of a spider dangling about, oh, three inches from my face. I do not think it was a dangerous one but I sat there with my eyes crossed looking at this thing none-the-less. I couldn’t move. I had to have laid there for several minutes contemplating how to get out of the predicament. I was scared though. Fearful. I finally realized I had the motor skills to scoot myself to the side and tumbled off the bed without any grace at all.
But it all has to start somewhere doesn’t it? There has to be one triggering event in our young lives that jump starts what we know as “fear”. It is not something we just imagine. It isn’t a conjuration of some mysterious thing that lives in our closet or under our bed. Fear is intangible. It can be anything. We can learn to live with it, conquer it, or let it ruin our lives. It is our choice.
Me? I’m still terrified of bees. If I see a honeybee, the more friendly looking version of flying death, I do not freak out as much but something streamlined like a hornet? Well nowadays I have weapons to fight back and it is usually in the form of some liquid killer. I know some will say that is inhumane and that they will “leave me alone if I leave them alone” but that has never been the case. I could be minding my own business and a bee will put me on its shit-list of things to fuck up for that day. It is either me or them.
As for spiders they don’t bother me any longer. If I am feeling charitable I will maybe launch them outside via some sort of wood plank or paper but if they decide to put up a fight I have no qualms with showing them the fear does not grip me any longer.
So what fears do you have? Do you think about them sometimes or are they something that only you think about when confronted with it? I would love to know.